We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
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My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.