Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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Morning my dudes.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…