[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
be careful
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
not for long
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.