Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]