The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.