my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
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ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
This raises questions
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
When news reporters do sports stories
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
real
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”