A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group