How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
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Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.