My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.