Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.