My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
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Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.