°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.