Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
You Might Also Like
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.