#ParentingFacts
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noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.