[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume