Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.