*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
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Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
The options really are this bad
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
? 💀
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice