Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
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Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Labreador
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.