Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
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If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.