Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
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I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?