I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
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“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Ken is short for chicken
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car