I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing