I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
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[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My purse is deeper than some people.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…