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Page of GoldenSpirals's best tweets

@GoldenSpirals : [At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi...

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I'll take one now.

@GoldenSpirals: You pulled out in front of me.
Now you're going slow.
I don't like my car.
I will win this one.

@GoldenSpirals: I'm at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

@GoldenSpirals: Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn't know existed.

@GoldenSpirals: I've had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.

I wonder when they're going to bring me in for questioning.

I should move the bodies.

@GoldenSpirals: Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

@GoldenSpirals: *Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

@GoldenSpirals: "STOP COPYING ME!"

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

@GoldenSpirals: Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

@GoldenSpirals: My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it's finished.

There's no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.