[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.