Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
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Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Science memes
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I didn’t realize that was an option
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting