* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
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My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?