Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
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Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?