I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
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I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I mean…but I did
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
People buying plungers never look happy.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’