@Gooooats

My cat wants something from me right now and neither of us knows what it is.

@Gooooats

Somehow every app knows exactly when its password will be squeezed out of my mind to make room for other stuff, and it chooses that moment to demand it from me again.

@Gooooats

My 13 year old daughter just wrote her first resume. Under “skills” she wrote: I can make a bracelet out of dandelions. I can flip an egg without breaking it. Sometimes I can whisper “Alexa” so quietly that she doesn’t hear.”

@Gooooats

My 16 year old is prickly, difficult, quick to anger, and a constant storm of emotion. She’s also the only person I know who would avenge my death.

@Gooooats

Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:

4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top

@Gooooats

By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”

@Gooooats

Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?

Me: it’s brownies.

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@Gooooats

I CREATED THE UNIVERSE!
-The Supreme Being

I ADDED SOUR CREAM!
-The Taco Supreme Being

@Gooooats

I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.