Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:
4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top
By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”
Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?
Me: it’s brownies.
You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.
I CREATED THE UNIVERSE!
-The Supreme Being
I ADDED SOUR CREAM!
-The Taco Supreme Being
I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.
Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
This baby is terrible at dodgeball.
My wife changed her relationship status to “irritated”
Oh, you’re a fan of music? Name one song.