@Gooooats

Every Food Blog RN: Can’t get out to shop? Make this stew with ingredients everyone has in their pantry:

4 Cups chicken broth
1 narwhal horn
2 freshly picked nests of the swiflet bird
1 dodo egg
2 bay leaves
salt and pepper to taste
A dollop of soft vampire bat cheese on top

@Gooooats

By the third kid you say stuff like “here’s a dollar. Throw your tooth in the garbage and the Tooth fairy will pick it out later.”

@Gooooats

Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails?

Me: it’s brownies.

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@Gooooats

I CREATED THE UNIVERSE!
-The Supreme Being

I ADDED SOUR CREAM!
-The Taco Supreme Being

@Gooooats

I’m going to the corn maze today to see if I can find the kid I lost in there last October.

@Gooooats

Him: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.

@Gooooats

My wife changed her relationship status to “irritated”