Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
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There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
uh oh
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…