HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.