@GorillaNipples1

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

@GorillaNipples1

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

@GorillaNipples1

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.