Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.