Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL