[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
You Might Also Like
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.