@GrabTheWEness

Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.

@GrabTheWEness

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.

@GrabTheWEness

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

@GrabTheWEness

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

@GrabTheWEness

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

@GrabTheWEness

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

@GrabTheWEness

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.