To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?