@GrabTheWEness

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

@GrabTheWEness

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

@GrabTheWEness

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

@GrabTheWEness

[Weather Channel Secret Memo]

To technical crews:

If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.

@GrabTheWEness

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

@GrabTheWEness

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

@GrabTheWEness

When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.

Did I spell something wrong?