If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill