I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
*me flirting
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.