Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
How do you like your Corgi?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.