There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Seas the day!!!!
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you