Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it