“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets