My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob