Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us