Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
he’s doing your taxes
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*