Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
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A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
Me sliding into hell like
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.