Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.