-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
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Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,