Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
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Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
When he asks for feet pics
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed