As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.