@GrowlyGrego: [First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
@GrowlyGrego: YOU'VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
You're goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
@GrowlyGrego: *approaches pond*
What the ??
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
@GrowlyGrego: Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
"fine by me!"
Sir, please leave.
@GrowlyGrego: Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don't know when or where it is
@GrowlyGrego: "Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible."
@GrowlyGrego: *wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN'T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
@GrowlyGrego: *breaks into your house at night*
*finds your bedroom*
*blows on you til you wake up*
HI I'M CHET CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A SECURITY SYSTEM?
@GrowlyGrego: It's like my racist grandpa used to say: "Good morning."
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn't one of them.