ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
Using “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
What the ??
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
Sir, please leave.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?