It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
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God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?